supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[shakes fist at other fist]
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
This is always good for a laugh.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes