[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick