Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

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MARY: They’ve taken Jesus from his tomb

SIMON: Maybe they gave him Upjesus

MARY: What’s Upjesus?

JESUS {risen}: Not much, w—


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Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon


Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.


[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>


Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
2: He ate 3 campers


I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.