@Gupton68

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

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@TheAlexNevil

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

@gobmentcheese

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

@keatingthomas

They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”

@Laser_Cat

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

@truegritrumble

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

@AbbyHasIssues

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

@imdaintyaf

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

@weinerdog4life

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

@shanethevein

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.