@Gupton68

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

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@YourMomsucksTho

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

@TheToddWilliams

[Jerusalem]

MARY: They’ve taken Jesus from his tomb

SIMON: Maybe they gave him Upjesus

MARY: What’s Upjesus?

JESUS {risen}: Not much, w—

@FattMernandez

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

@whatmaddness

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

@biorhythmist

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

@LionJenkins

[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

@XGibbons

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

@Maxine12333

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.