@briangaar

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

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@Deno_Tron

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

@OMGSoOverIt

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

@MomofTeen

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

@sofarrsogud

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

@ArfMeasures

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

@abbycohenwl

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

@GingerHotDish

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

@drknstormynite

DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead

@Darlainky

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.