Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.