I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
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Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Just act like he’s not here.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning
BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.