My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.
Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?
[from my stomach] I’m right here
the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot