@chuuew

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

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@imdaintyaf

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

@TheSofiya

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

@XAIMMadellynne

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

@KattsDogma

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

@iwearaonesie

8: ow
ow
ow
ow
ow
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on

@justabloodygame

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

@JamieDMJ

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?