@chuuew

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

@shkeeber

Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?

@chuuew

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

@FrazzleMyGimp

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

@KDsMorning

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better