@chuuew

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

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@Marlebean

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

@SkippyMcGizzard

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

@Sickayduh

Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.

Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?

[from my stomach] I’m right here

@drugleaf

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@misfarber

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

@AudreyPorne

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

@sixfootcandy

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

@lasergirl70

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot