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Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”

Con1: “Yes.”

Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

*in unison* “death sentences.”


I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’


“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago


[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
me: lol
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first


If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.


Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”


*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest


You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.


People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.