@torahhorse

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

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@JumbledButts

Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”

Con1: “Yes.”

Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

*in unison* “death sentences.”

@realHamOnWry

I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’

@LuvPug

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

@MarfSalvador

[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
me: lol
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first

@ClaytonSykes

If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.