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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.