Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?