Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
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I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
me: dropbear gobstoppers
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.