Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*


My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.


Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?


Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?


My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20


Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!


Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.


Me, age 18: I can’t wait to have a full time job with a regular pay check so I can buy whatever I want

Me, age 38: *splurges on the ‘nice’ garbage bags and feels guilty*