Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Two things I’m not looking forward to wrangling on this late-night flight: 1. Carry-on. 2. My wayward son.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me, age 18: I can’t wait to have a full time job with a regular pay check so I can buy whatever I want
Me, age 38: *splurges on the ‘nice’ garbage bags and feels guilty*