Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
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“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….