@AnniemuMary

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

You Might Also Like

@Jenny4ashley

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

@Big_Cat74

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

@LurkAtHomeMom

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

@bobvulfov

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

@AGStr8upNinja

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

@mostlysharks

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

@GrantTanaka

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

@Wine_Charmer

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.