Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
You Might Also Like
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.