Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
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I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I have never related to a cat more
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Squirrels before girls.