@Kids_kubed

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

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@raniao2011

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

@hstweetheart

Ariel: “But I love him, daddy!”

*sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*

@Gupton68

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

@MoneypennyNaked

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

@Home_Halfway

M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!