Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
fair
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.