He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Ariel: “But I love him, daddy!”
*sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*
M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!