Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

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Forever tricking animals into thinking I’m patting them when really I’m just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur


*Pulls out pin*

*Throws fire extinguisher*


Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.


Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive


I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.


My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.


I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.


My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on


your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too