Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
You Might Also Like
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Phonetics
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My life in a nutshell
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean