Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?
I didn’ fink fo
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.
Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I turn into a Mexican soccer announcer when in driving in traffic
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.