That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?