Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this:
There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID