@darkmatter_wimp

Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this:

There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

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@Marlebean

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

@alexlumaga

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

@Parkerlawyer

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

@tnylgn

I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.

@JohnLyonTweets

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

@MamaFizzles

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

@JaneBadall

In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.