Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this:
There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
You Might Also Like
People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I’m in AAAAA, so I get my tires changed by recovering alcoholics.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.
And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.