Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Nomnomnomnom
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.