Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.