@DothTheDoth

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

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@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

@3sunzzz

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

@prawn_meat

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

@BlazedDonuts

Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad