Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
the Monday after daylight savings
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die