@robfee

Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops

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@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.

@twylaredsun

Opportunity knocks once, however temptation likes to lean on the door bell.

@prodigalsam

In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.

@ColIegeStudent

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

@CodyJP9412

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

@lilgapeach30

Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.

@DaddyJew

*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*

@goldengateblond

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

@thexythara

If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.