As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.
Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops
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Opportunity knocks once, however temptation likes to lean on the door bell.
In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.
*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.