Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops
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Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire