Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
You Might Also Like
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”