Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Spring cleaning checklist…
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”