@Shanehasabeard

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

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@3sunzzz

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

@AndrewNadeau0

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

@_Tempo11

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

@primawesome

I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@mcclure111

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM