Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

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me: will i be arrested

psychic: no

me: empty the register


No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I’d just call my boss.


Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*


Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.


We built this city on rock n roll. The streets have no names. The midnight train goes anywhere. Stairways climb to heaven. Tbh its a gd mess


Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.


Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat


I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”


Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah