Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming


the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery


saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert



waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?

me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you


So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library


[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.


If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.