Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
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[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it