The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?
me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library
Babies cry so that we can remember where we left them.
[Sees cute barista]
I’ll have a quickie.
Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.