It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
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The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”
Now, I tweet them
I’ll be like “I know a spot” and dig you a grave.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism