Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
when revenge coincides with naptime
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
you have three unread messages
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I think about this a lot
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”