(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I’m about to risk it all