Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”