[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought