Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Sure I’ll eat square slices of pizza, but I’m thinking of triangular ones the whole time.
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Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My brain is a bad influence on me
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.