I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
(more comics:
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?