Sure I’ll eat square slices of pizza, but I’m thinking of triangular ones the whole time.

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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap


Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?


Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken


My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.


One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators


[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*


Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”


DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl


My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*