@divyne_mess: Sure I'll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.
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@AbbieEvansXO: Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you're an evil genocidal maniac Darth Vader: is it because I'm a single dad
@flashember: the only reason sharks haven't built an advanced civilization yet is because they'll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
@SaraMansford: Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers: They don't want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.