My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien