Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.

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I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him


Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman


Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don’t say ‘Alexa’?

Alexa: No, I only listen when you say ‘Alexa’.

M: Thanks

A: Welcome

M: Hey!


Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock


HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes



ME: did the dog put you up to this



GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*


WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect


coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar


I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.