I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.
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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don’t say ‘Alexa’?
Alexa: No, I only listen when you say ‘Alexa’.
Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[filling out job application]
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.