Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Ugh
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.