Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.


I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.


*knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand

*answers her alarm clock, “hello?”


OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??


Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter


My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.


*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*


All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.


Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did