@aspiringtoucan

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

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@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@Parentpains

I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.

@AmnesiaRose

*knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand

*answers her alarm clock, “hello?”

@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

@bridger_w

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

@jjhartinger

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

@JohnLyonTweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

@KateWouldHaveIt

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

@chrissyteigen

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did