Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Awesome parenting 😂
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Ha
I am HOWLING at this
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team