Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.