Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Just a reminder, folks:
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Ape together strong