Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
respect
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’