Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.