@Henry_3k

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

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@pmclellan

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

@KKAlThani

*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?

@ankles_so_weak

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

@justinbieber

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

@JasonLastname

“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.

@mommy_cusses

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

@SamuelHLowe

*wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*

@MensHumor

Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.