Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*


*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*


Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.




Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.


She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.


3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it


If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?


Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?


I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.