@Tmoney68

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

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@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@runolgarun

*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

@XplodingUnicorn

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

@Mindless4Miles

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

@bossy_bootz

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

@UnFitz

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

@joynessthebrave

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

@gingerfaced

I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.