Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside


How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.


Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.


So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?


When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.


[first day as a tour guide]

me: most tourists visit madame tussauds but this is cheaper and more realistic

coroner: get out


Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …