Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I only treason on days ending in y
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.