@Mindless4Miles

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

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@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

@SortaBad

Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.

@tat2dsoccermom

So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?

@KevinBuffalo

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

@arcadeseals

[first day as a tour guide]

me: most tourists visit madame tussauds but this is cheaper and more realistic

coroner: get out

@ChipKellysBalls

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …