Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

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Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”


I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids


Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.


Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.


Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!

Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?


I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”


the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”