Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*