My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
When ur friends with white people
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”