“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”