@Kyle_Lippert

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

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@EhhBartt

I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@djdarrellripley

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

@Jamberee13

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

@BasicLyes

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

@Home_Halfway

RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?

RACCOON: Yes

DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things

@lazerdoov

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

@ThingsDrakeDo

A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”