Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
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Damn what did I do next
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Twitter fine art
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If a snake ate a cake
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.