Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
You Might Also Like
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Always…
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.