@DothTheDoth

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

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@Just_Lee_

If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.

@StickyickyBuns

Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?

@PaperWash

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

@YuckyTom

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

@Gupton68

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@10kbabyspiders

Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet