Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
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Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*