sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
🍛
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Saturday