@thistallawkgirl

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

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@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@Shaundsmith80

*Me tucking my 5yo into bed*

5yo: I wanna sleep in your bed tonight

Me: Me and mommy need you to stay in your bed sweetheart

5yo: But I’m scared of the dark

Me: Is the dark scarier than mommy with no sleep?

5yo: *goes straight to sleep*

@SliNtuli

People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.

@LittleMissAngr1

Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.

@PhilJamesson

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@muffkin7

Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’

Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’

Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

@WheelTod

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.