Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
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*Me tucking my 5yo into bed*
5yo: I wanna sleep in your bed tonight
Me: Me and mommy need you to stay in your bed sweetheart
5yo: But I’m scared of the dark
Me: Is the dark scarier than mommy with no sleep?
5yo: *goes straight to sleep*
People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.
Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’
Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’
Grandad: ‘Half past three.’
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.