“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Potatoes were such a good idea
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.