Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.